When it comes to bikes
and barroom fights,
Well I guess I've seen me a few
I've straddled the Hogs
and run after the broads
And swilled down an ocean of brew
It took me some years
to dry behind the ears
and learn to keep my mouth shut.
To not lose my cool
and not act like a fool
Over some drunken, barfly slut.
Now, I got a few bumps
and I took my lumps
When some bozo was knockin' me down
But more often then not
I came out on top,
And I thought I was the baddest in town.
I packed a piece in my boot
when I rode on my scoot,
And my belt held yet another.
And if I got any lip
somebody'd get hit-
I was one no shit, badass fucker
It was Friday night
at the ol'Blue Light,
My favorite scooter tramp bar
Yeah, I was struttin' my stuff
and actin' real tough,
Playin biker superstar
With a gal on my lap
I was into my rap,
Full of coke, tequila, and beer
"I can ride any putt
or kick any butt
Better than any damn biker here!"
I sat there and glared
while the jukebox blared
Some silly ass cowboy song
And I howled out the tune
and kept time with a spoon,
While the gal massaged my ol dong.
I laughed and I joked
and was taking a toke
When an old dude bumped into my stool.
With a glance at the crowd,
I barked out real loud,
"Hey, you crazy old fool!"
"Are you touched in the head,
or just stupid instead?
Are you spastic, you damn clumsy ox?
Get outta here fast,
or I'll beat your old ass
And they'll send you back home in a box!'
There wasn't a sound
as the old dude turned round
And heaved one long and tired sigh.
A crusty galoot,
he looked tough as a boot,
And he fixed me with his one good eye.
"Now look, son" he said
with a shake of his head,
"Im a biker not lookin for strife.
Dont be fooled by gray hair
or this eyepatch I wear-
Ive been on two wheels all my life"
"Im weathered and gnarly,
but I still ride a Harley,
And I ain't never backed down yet.
But I'll buy ya a beer
and we'll skip this beef here,
If you'll show this old man some respect."
You think I care
about your fuckin gray hair?"
I shouted and slugged down my beer,
"You can bet your gray stubble
there's gonna be trouble,
You half-assed, old, dipshit queer!"
I could hear my own breath
and the room smelled like death
And the old cat just stared at the floor.
Then he lifted his head and the words that he said
I'll remember when Im a hundred and four.
"Well, I gave you an out,
you damned kid lout,
But I guess youre as dumb as you look
You just ain't been told
'bout respect for the old."
And with that he threw a left hook.
At the end of his wrist
was a cast iron fist
That damn near knocked out my brain.
And when the fog cleared
my vision was bleared,
And I couldn't remember my name.
The old coots voice hissed
"Now dont get me pissed.
Mind your manners and just be polite.
Let's make our mends
and all go home friends
And forget this stupid ass fight."
I got to my knees
and let out a sneeze
That spewed blood all over the floor.
I shoulda stayed down
but like a jerk off clown
I stood up in the puddle of gore.
I said "Your really a sucker
you gray bearded fucker,
You half dead, old, bag of guts.
Kiss your scoot goodbye
cause you're fixin' to die
Then he kicked me square in the nuts.
The crowd made for the door
as I thrashed on the floor
In a pain like I never had felt.
But through all raw hurt
in the blood and the dirt
I went for the gun in my belt.
But I just made things worse
the old guy was first
And his boot came down on my hand
With a sickening crunch
the bones popped in a bunch
And I tried but failed to stand
Well I guess he got mad
'cause the rest was real bad
As my rudness he attempted to cure
There were steel toed kicks
and roundhouse licks
You get the idea I'm sure.
With my ribs all mushed
and my fingers crushed
I was just this side of dead
My bones were broke
and I though I'd croak
But I heard the words that he said
"I may be gray
but I got this way
By out toughin' shitheads like you
Realbikers ain't old
till they're dead and cold
And I've got some more livin' to do."
Then he walked out of the bar
and I heard from afar
As his bikes big engine caught.
And as the blood dried
I lay there and tried
To figure out Just what I'd been taught.
And the moral seemed clear
through the blood and the beer
Though it hurt too much to stir
With an old biker dude dont ever be rude
Just smile and always say ......SIR
